Holla, it's almost a year I'm absent from this writing space -- the place I usually spent most of time -- I do yearn for drowning myself into my stories, whatever it is, and typing some stuffs, some garbages -- HAHA -- you name it. Well, some Twitter users are promoting 'Go Blogging' thingy and writing things online. I actually started this kinda things since 2010, but I'm not really passionate to be active user since then. You know, assignments, papers, group discussion and presentations, tests, there such things really confiscate my time. Haha, it's only a matter of importance scale (is it right?) to divide some businesses. I remember reading some lines in Twitter, it says: "Nothing is too busy or 'I have no time', it's just a matter of priority". It struck my head and I was like, 'Damn, it's TRUE!'. Yes, I admitted it that I'm too shallow and wasting most of my time with... what... nothing. Haha kinda pathetic, but I can't help it! What if I didn't get the passion and felling like 'What should I do? What can I do next? What am I doing actually? I don't have any idea what I'm doing right now!' I know, I'm just too much complaining and having excuses. I can't focus in one thing for some exact time, because it's so easy to distract me!
OMG!
I.
Just.
Can't.
Well...
Mom texted me several days ago, asking me the same questions she always to be curious about.
"When will you finish your thesis? How far is it going? Please, accomplish it ASAP, just so you can answers those craps -- 'What semester are you in, Nia?'. Are you not getting embarrassed to answer the same question over and over with the same answer?"
I'm just getting tired of the same question or else some things -- sensitive one -- I just want she stays calm and wait the process.
I just. I just. I just.
Too many excuses. I know.
And I blow 'it' up. I thought she was cool, she was okay with it, or else got excited and welcome it. The fact, she was like... burned. I'm too shocked to be confronted, but I have predicted it would be her reaction. We argue, through messaging. I wonder if I could do it in front of her. I know I only can write things and stay silent if someone confront me. You know that feeling when you have tried the best, you prayed every single day, you hope everything is alright, but it is not (yet). I'm too sad I can't stop crying. In silence. It feels like you don't know how fight for this anymore and you don't know how to do it next.
How to face it together after this.....
You know that proverb about 'God's blessing is Mother's blessing'? When I read it or someone else say it or I hear it on television, it feels like it's shot right on my chest, head, all over my body. I don't want to be a rebellious kid, in fact I'm always a rebel, but it makes me so mad. Why I don't feel like supported by her. Everything I do is wrong, cannot satisfy, disappointed, negative... I can't stand it... I'm usually with this and put on a good front of everyone. I'll keep silent. I don't want my friends know, I don't wanna share it. My weakness is forever mine and I don't think to share it. It's my problem, my own, everybody cannot know that. People always get curious, being nosy, yet they don't really care about it. To be honest, I'm too. And everyone, too. I know it, because this is the part of society you can't deny.
